Epilogue: A Love Letter To Mark an Ending

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls (and Guys) will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world (and best friends make the best sisters). As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

― Marilyn Monroe

Knowing that I am blessed, and that everything happens for a reason, this letter is dedicated to the people and places who came into my life in Paris, have appeared since my feet hit Swiss soil, and even some who have departed, and those still to arrive. To the people who know who they are; my friends who have ploughed through the walls I built and that I have drunk endless cups of coffee, tea and glasses of wine with, the ones I spend my darkest and lightest hours with, the ones I walk beside down the rues, strasses' and avenues, share my stories with, the ones whose dreams I wish to come true, bake cookies for, scream, curse, laugh and cry with, float on water with, headbang and go insane with, and think about when they are not around.

Dearest Friends,

Let me let you in on a little secret, something some of you know, and some of you don’t … I am an out and out hopeless romantic. Not in that fairy tale, fireworks, Valentine’s day kind of way. 
I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars.
I don’t want gemstones or gold.
I just look for a steady hand.
A kind soul. 
Someone to laugh with.
Fly to the moon with on a whim.
To believe in and to believe in me even when it seems ridiculous to. 
To always be there, in one way or another.
I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart and spirit are safe. 

I am now and will always be the optimist.

The hoper of far-flug desires and dreamer of improbable dreams.

Someone who wants to see beauty in the most unlikely of places. 

Someone who can admit her hurts and losses.

As I know that you have suffered hurt and loss too.

Love, in all its forms, can make us crazy. It scoops out our insides and forces every nerve but we push forward anyway. Because love is not about feeling safe, not about being fenced in, but about allowing ourselves to roam free.

Love makes us vulnerable. It opens up our chests and then our hearts and means that someone can get inside and mess us up.

It can destroy us. And then close our hearts for a really long time.

 “I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ” ― Anais Nin

But then, with a understanding of what true love really is, a love that is unconditional, kind, patient, humorous, giving, passionate and still all consuming, the Universe conspires to help us find the love that is seeking us anyway. The kind of love that saves us.

Everything in my life has led me to you now. My choices, my heartbreaks, my adventures, my mistakes. Everything. And now it all seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently I might never have met you… or you… or you.

I might never feel this utterly blessed and my heart may never have opened again. But it has, because of the way you have inspired me, because of your gentle soul, your passionate spirit, because of your intelligent words and your hugs and the way you smile. Because of the way I feel I knew you before I even met you. Because you are simply and beautifully you!

There is nothing I would not do for you. 
I try to have no notion of loving people by half measures or by keeping quiet about it. Half measures aren't really in my nature. 
But it feels sometimes crazy, how you all came to be so important in my life.  I don’t even know when it happened.

It’s been like watching a snowstorm. 
I saw the flakes falling but I didn’t realize what they were creating before my very eyes. Then suddenly the ground was covered and all these little pieces added up and suddenly you all became my snowstorm.

I met you and I thought you were interesting. Unlike others who I have met whom I thought would be interesting, but were in fact as dull as a brick (sorry). So we kept meeting and over time your face just became, family.  Your voice became one of my favourite songs. And you turned into something, someone, so incredibly perfect.

I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Love yourself the way I love you. I wish you knew just how much I cared for you. And I hope your life is everything you deserve, because in my opinion you deserve the world.

Sometimes I lay on the grass and stare at the stars. I sip wine and think about how we are all connected. How our destiny’s intertwined. I look at the patterns and think about how every living person and things follows a different pattern, but how we are still all written into the night sky. We gaze up and live beneath our fears and dreams and try to figure out where we are supposed to be going. I find the brightest stars I can find and I smile. Because I am happy where I am right now. They twinkle and tease me, but I don’t mind because I am twinkling alongside you. The future is in the dark but right now, I don’t mind that at all.

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And I suppose when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and then call it love—and somehow I found all of you! 
You people, and you places. You books and you songs. You all. 

We are not perfect I know. We will never be. 
There are still so many things that still remain unsaid, and time that is lost between us. 
But we have made each other laugh at least once, forced each other to feel, to think, admitted to making mistakes, and held each others hands or been in each others arms, so I hold onto you the best I can, even though you are in another country right now, or only minutes away but I just don’t see you so often. 

I will tell some of you I love you, but not all of you every day or every month or possibly even ever and I won’t think about you all the time. 
But know that I have given you a piece of myself. I have entrusted to you a piece of me. 
I won’t ever hurt you, or try to change you or expect more from you than you can give. I smile when you make me happy, and maybe shout when you make me mad. I will miss you when you are not here. And I will care about you always.

I know you are loved. That you are valuable. That you are crafted with beauty and purpose. I treasure you and the world needs you too. There is no one like you. The world needs you as you are.

We may not be perfect, but know, that you are completely perfect to me.

I think if I've learned anything, it is about friendship. It's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together.

Manage your energy, love, trust, be grateful, don't be wasteful, breathe, let go…let go…let go….