A Parisian Affair and other stories

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were -- I have not seen
As others saw -- I could not bring
My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow -- I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --
Then -- in my childhood -- in the dawn
Of a most stormy life -- was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still --
From the torrent, or the fountain --
From the red cliff of the mountain --
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold --
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by --
From the thunder, and the storm --
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view –

(Poe, 1829)

“…the bewildering beauty of Paris…” Allen Ginsberg

So is has not been a year of dramatic fantasy revolving around  society women, prostitutes and playboys. But it has though been a year of voyage, and of a deep, passionate love affair none the less.

Twelve months ago I admit I was in a state of chaos. Fear and anxiety had settled deep within me and my mind was running wild with it. I was locked in the same fight or flight mode I had been in since I was a teen, running on pure adrenaline, and heading for another fall. This wasn’t because I was necessarily in any danger, but because I had allowed my ego-voice to take over. It was telling me to be afraid, that I couldn’t get out of the situation I wanted to get out of in one piece, so I was better off staying put in that familiar frame of mind indefinitely. I was in a dark place, and I did not want to suppress my feelings knowing that that only causes more damage. Eventually though I decided it was time to take control, feel the fear and do it anyway, take the risks and hope the Universe would help me along my way.

By forcing myself to slow down, take some time out to be alone and focus entirely on work, study, and marvelling and indulging in the beauty and culture of this great city, I find myself, at last, grounded, at peace, and feeling healthier than I have in a decade. My lungs have at last filled with air. I look in the mirror and I appear recognisable again.

I see that I was an emotional hoarder. I hung on to every feeling, every relationship, every desire, every memory, good or dire, like they were lifelines, even if in fact, they were causing me to drown. The challenges I have met thus far have educated me in independence and strength, but I realise now that being strong doesn’t always denote hanging on for dear life. In fact sometimes it means letting go, free-falling, and going with the flow. I turned back to Reiki and meditation and Angelic communication. I practised acceptance and gratitude. I let go of that which was offering me nil in life, and continued to give freely only to who and what I truly loved and believed in. By doing this, by working hard at this, I felt my energy begin to alter, and the magic flow back in.

However please do not misunderstand me. I know there is still much I have yet to face in order to truly know myself and forge a successful life path, and will continue to face throughout this crazy thing we call life. But I plainly feel more more steady, and more motivated to wade through life in my own time, as opposed to fighting every battle so vehemently. It takes effort to remain somewhat calm yes, but far less than constantly trying to maintain some warped version of control.

"There are places and moments in which one is so completely alone, that one sees the world entire."

Jules Renard

I know I was guided to learn these lessons, to get to where I am, which I can only say is now an exciting place. And for that I quote...

“Je ne regrette rein”.

(Cue the music!)

I now feel able to open my energy and ideas to a world much larger than the one in my immediate vicinity. I have finally suspended my disbelief for reality, and know anything is possible.

Many people dislike, even despise, Paris, but I can almost wholly attribute this healing to the energy I have received here. It has been an incredible year. I have made some wonderful friends, worked with a most beautiful family with incredibly creative, intelligent and funny children who admittedly at times drove me to distraction, lived in an eclectic neighbourhood where I could volunteer with the homeless and drink wine with friends on the canal side on one side, and on the other drink coffee in a converted mill surrounded by designer goodies, met other writers from all over the world and shared ideas, beliefs and some of the most scrumptious cake I have ever tasted in my life, had an Astrology reading with a Witch a woman I admired greatly, been to Morocco and learnt a new language.

I have eaten pain au chocolat, and drank Kusmi tea. I have walked the Seine at dusk and watched fireworks over the Eiffel Tower. I have read great literature in parks while the suave smoked their Gauloises's. I have listened to live music all over the city and ridden the metro like a sardine into every corner. I have drank cafe creme's in the rain, and written novels on napkins.

I am growing, becoming, achieving, learning and becoming more accepting, most importantly of myself.

This is a moment of serenity before I start to ponder the journey more deeply. And the journey has only just begun...

“There is never any ending to Paris, and the memory of each person who has lived in it differs from that of any other. Paris was always worth it, and you received return for whatever you brought to it…”

Ernest Hemingway, in A Moveable Feast

Love and light to you all!

Paris, je t'aime pour toujours.
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