Prolouge: October 22nd 2010 and Starting anew

The making of big, life altering decisions seem to come to me in their own time. Usually when I wouldn’t expect them and never as soon or as I often wish they would. But the decisions come, in an instant, simple, succinct manner. It is the realizing of an idea, and knowing without reservation that I have reached an impasse in my current environment. It may have been clear for some time that change was required (my life has a habit of falling apart dramatically around me as I desperately cling to keep it together with tape and glue, because I am somewhat of a control freak and simply won’t give in to something until I am absolutely ready) but only when I know what that change is, for certain, do I make my move.
Up until now, I have been fluttering around with a highly tuned fight or flight reaction, studying, reading, writing, playing piano, teaching, loving, battling ill health, making mistakes and learning lessons, nowhere and everywhere, stuck in an in-between space in the seeking of peace, pleasure, and people to share these ideals with. Believing that one does not have to succumb to the weight of the hardships that certain marionettes have caused around the world. But instead can choose to be informed, and in that change what one can for the better.  Fight for something better. And in my observations, have understood the truth in the adage that if one wishes to change the world, he/she must first change themselves. 
And so the decision came, after two years in a city I did not much care for in it's throwing of nightmarish challenges my way, that I shall move to Paris. A city depicted as one of mystery, history, romance and art.
I was in motion.
Within one month of making the decision to leave Amsterdam, (not knowing exactly what I should change about myself, but knowing that change should occur nonetheless)  I found a job and moved to the city speaking one of the most widely spoken romance languages, in faith that the energy of this place, would re-introduce me to myself, allow my dreams to breathe, allow for the meeting of great and admirable fellows until we are able to move without effort, and love entirely without compromise. And in such contribute to a bettering of things.
In theory.
Paris is a city that I adore. It is dark, honest, and gruelling at times, and as full of poverty as it is riches. But it glows. It shines. It has a consuming energy of hope that even on my darkest days can evoke a smile. There is a certain, veritable power, too present to ignore. 

I have now been living on French land for one month, and know my soul has wandered here before. Because in so many ways, it has felt like coming home.
So now I begin to inscribe stories about my year ahead here, willing myself to write again, marvel in things, and let myself be, well, more me.  Jeanette Winterson once said, that when we let ourselves respond to poetry, to music, to pictures, we are clearing a space where new stories can root, and in effect we are clearing a space for new stories about ourselves.
So, I allow the story to begin and unfold. And in the attempted avoiding of over self indulgence, I very much hope that you will come along also...


  1. "When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.”~C.S. Lewis


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